reddit：你經歷過最有趣的真人真事是什麼?（二）

引用元：https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1lnc98/what_is_the_funniest_reallife_story_you_can_tell/

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What is the funniest, real-life story you can tell?

你經歷過最有趣的真人真事是什麼?

 

這篇是”What is the funniest, real-life story you can tell?＂裡的另一則回應。

你經歷過最有趣的真人真事是什麼?

 

 

Chadwell89:

 

After having sex with the 4th girl of my young life at the time, I decided to get an STD check. Not for any physical reasons, mostly for the emotional reassurance. Anyways, I called my neighbor across the street who is 3 years older than me (basically my big brother) and I told him that I made an appointment to get checked and I asked him what it entailed. He said it wasn’t too bad; they did a sperm sample, swabbed his dick, checked his blood etc etc. So I felt pretty prepared going in there a few days later. On my way to the clinic I was feeling pretty nervous to ejaculate in a cup but I reassured myself that it was going to be fine.

在我年輕的生涯裡，在跟我第4任女朋友啪啪啪之後，我決定要去做(STD)性病檢查。不是因為身體的問題，而是為了令自己安心。總之，我打電話給比我大三歲的鄰居(基本上是我大哥)，我跟他講我預約了一個時間去檢查和問他有什麼需要注意。他說沒有想像中差，他們取了一個精子樣本，擦洗了他的老二，還有檢查他的血液etc。我聽完他講之後，幾天後我覺得已經準備好了。在去診所的路上，我對要射在杯子裡這件事感到很緊張，不過我安慰自己沒事的。

 

When I finally got there, an older lady called my name and handed me a clear cup and escorted me to the restroom and said, “Please go in here.” I was picturing more of a comfortable room where I could do my private thing of choking my chicken but I thought fuck it, the bathroom will suffice.

當我終於到達診所，一位老阿姨叫了我的名子，給了我一個乾淨的杯子，然後帶我去了廁所，然後講：「請進這裡。」這和我的想像不同，我想像中是一個舒服的房間來給我做私人事[doge]，好讓我憋死我的小雞唧，不過我他媽的不管了，廁所就夠了。

 

I remember looking around for some pornographic material because my neighbor said that they provide you with some but there was nothing. I remember thinking what the fuck, this place just expects us to use our imagination? Disappointed, I said oh well, not like I haven’t used just my imagination before. So I began…yes… masturbating over the sink…anyways I remember amazingly rubbing one out pretty fucking fast…almost too fast….so I thought that I’d wait in there an additional 10 minutes because I didn’t want her to think that I was some type of freak. After waiting in there for what felt like an eternity I finally handed my semen filled cup back to the old lady nurse who acted impatient and upset that I took so long. I began following her down the hallway.

我記得我在廁所四周找能用的本子，因為我鄰居跟我講他們會提供一些材料，但是這裡什麼都沒有。我記得我當時在想：「What the fuck，他們是期望我用想像力嗎？我很失望，不過好吧，我又不是沒試過只用我的想像力。所以我開始……對……在水槽上擼管，總之，我記得我以令人驚奇地快的速度擼出我的分身，有點太快。那我就想，在廁所裡待多個額外10分鐘，因為我不想被老阿姨認為我是閃電俠。在等了像永恆那麼久的時間，我終於拿起充滿我分身的杯子給那位老阿姨護士，她好像對我花了這麼久時間很不耐煩，然後我在走廊跟著她走。

 

The woman set the cup on this desk table thingy, looked at it, and then picked it up again and she jiggled the cup a little bit…. She stopped…I held my breath as I looked at her face as I saw it turn from confusion to sheer horror. She turns to me and goes, “Ummmm sir, WE ONLY NEEDED YOUR URINE!” I will never forget the feeling that I had at that very moment.

那個女人把杯子放在桌子上，看著杯子，然後拿起杯子，然後她搖一搖杯子……她停了……當我看著她的臉，我屏住呼吸，我看到由混亂轉換成純粹的恐怖。她轉向面對我然後說：「呃……先生，我們只需要你的尿液！」我永遠不會忘記當下的心情。

 

My face got red, I felt immediately hot, my legs felt weak. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. There have been so many embarrassing moments in my life but luckily I can think pretty quickly on my feet and I can dig my way out of most uncomfortable situations. As for this moment…there was no fucking shovel in sight for me to dig myself out of. Nothing to say nothing to do, i just stood there terrified. I just jizzed in a fucking urine sample cup and now this poor elderly woman who was probably months away from retirement was now horrified and confused as she was gripping a hot cup of my potential babies. I’m guessing the clinic never trained her for situations like this. Even if she had made a joke to lighten the mood it would’ve been better- it would have killed the tension in the room. Instead she remained stoic- I felt awkward and scared; I felt like a monster.

我的臉變得很紅，我立刻變得很熱，而且我的腿發軟，我只是想他媽的逃離這裡。我已經經歷過很多尷尬的時刻，幸運的是每次我都很快就想到解決方法，我可以把自己挖出最不舒服的情況。但是在這個時刻，我完全看不見有任何他媽的鏟子給我挖出這個泥沼。沒有什麼可以說；沒有什麼可以做。我只是站在那裡怔住了。我把我的分身射在一個他媽的尿液樣本杯，這個可憐的老女人大概差幾個月就退休，而她現在很混亂和嚇壞了，因為她之前緊握著一個熱杯，裡面放著我潛在的孩子。我猜這個診所從來沒有訓練過她如何面對這種情況，假如她開一個玩笑，可能會覺得比較放鬆，能把房間裡的緊繃氣氛緩和一點；相反，她仍然忍著，我覺得很尷尬和害怕；我覺得自己是一個怪物。

 

After going back to pee and a few tests later I got the F out of there. After much reflection though, I now think that she deserved it. Because honestly, yes I did ASSUME that she wanted a sperm sample but the woman never specified what she wanred. Therefore she assumed I knew too and when both people are assuming chances are that one of them is going to get a cup full of the other one’s jizz. It’s just the way it is.

回到廁所小便和幾個測試之後，我他媽的離開那裡。經過深思熟慮之後，我現在認為她活該。因為老實說，我真的以為她要一個精子樣本，但女人從來沒有明確說明她要什麼，她自認為我知道她要什麼。當兩人都在假設的時候，她有機會拿到一杯充滿著另一個人分身的杯子，事情只是這樣而已。

 

God I still cringe just thinking about that day. Sometimes when I’m looking at myself in the mirror, I randomly think of that old woman’s face as she realized that she’s holding a cup filled with my hot semen soldiers and I just bust out laughing and shake my head. Good times.

我的天，單單是想起那一天，我還是很畏縮。有時候當我在鏡子中看著我自己，我會突然想起那個老女人的表情，當她發現自己緊握著的杯是充滿著的是我熱情的分身士兵，我只是一邊搖頭一邊放聲大笑。真是一個美好時光。

 

 

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這篇同樣是在你經歷過最好笑的真人真事的回應。在我翻譯的時候，一言不合就笑到抽風。我一直在想要怎麼翻得比較含蓄，實在太難了，翻得含蓄笑點都沒了，然後我就放棄掙扎了[doge]。憋死我的小雞唧哈哈哈哈哈(ry

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