4chan：绿字故事五则

4chan绿字故事五则

 

 

这种意识流的文字故事翻译起来真是无从下手，令人智熄

 

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1.

 

Anonymous (ID: Oi/IMEH0) 04/26/14(Sat)01:38:43 No.543898176

>Be a cop

我是个警察

 

>Patrolling, doing cop things

话说某天，我在日常巡逻的时候

 

>See a guy driving like 15 miles below the speed limit

>Swerving around like a motherfucker

看见了一辆行踪诡异且速度奇慢的车

 

>Can see lots of smoke coming out of his windows

并且还有烟从车窗里渗出来

 

>Assuming he’s blazing it, pull him over

我下意识认为他在吸毒，所以让他在路边停车

 

>Walk up to his window and he rolls it down

为了一探究竟，我朝他走了过去，他倒也很配合地把车窗摇了下来

 

>He’s got a fucking hot plate plugged into his cigarette lighter

>Motherfucker is making pancakes while driving and burned them

结果让我大跌眼镜——他他妈的竟然把一个加热板插到了车的电子打火机孔上，边开车边烤松饼，结果还烤糊了。

 

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2.

 

>be me

这是我的故事

 

>in college

当时我是个大学生

 

>talking to qt3.14

在和一个小可爱聊天

 

>run out of topics

结果冷场了

 

>panicsensues.gif

我开始慌了.gif

 

>decide to lie to keep the conversation going

决定撒个谎继续尬聊

 

>tell her I have a goldfish pond in my backyard

骗她说我家后院有一个金鱼塘

 

>wutdafuqm8.jpg

黑人问号.jpg

 

>”That’s so cool, you think I could come to see it sometime?”

她说：“真6，我哪天可以去看看吗？”

 

>howdidthatwork.png

这也行？

 

>exchange numbers, realize what I’ve done

和她交换了电话号码之后才反应过来我都干了什么

 

>go home and promptly dig a goldfish pond and fill it with water

回家之后迅速挖了一个鱼塘

 

>get necessary items from pet store (filter, plants, goldfish, etc.)

并去宠物店买了必要的东西（过滤器，植物，金鱼，等等）

 

>pond is fucking amazing

整个鱼塘简直是大师之杰作

 

>go to contact girl

尝试联系那个女孩

 

>girl never responds to my calls/texts

结果她从来没回过我的电话/短信

 

>3 years later I’m still taking care of 14 goldfish in my back yard

三年之后，我还在照顾我后院的14条金鱼

 

>one has had babies and two more are pregnant

有一个已经产了后代，另有两个怀孕了

 

>mfw the goldfish are having more sex than me

干，金鱼的性生活都比我丰富

 

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3.

 

Anonymous 11/11/14(Tue)21:11:05 No.51351665

>teenage years

这件事发生在我还是个青少年的时候

 

>playing spin the bottle

我和一群人在玩转瓶子的游戏

（译注：转瓶子的游戏规则是让玩家轮流转瓶子，瓶子最后指向谁，转瓶子的玩家就要亲一下那个被转到的玩家）

 

>girls all agree a special rule that if it lands on me they just have to high 5, not kiss me

在场的女生一致同意说只要瓶子转到我，她们就互相击掌，而不是来亲我

 

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4.

 

Anonymous 05/24/12(Thu)08:10:11 No.2545562

>be at party

我在一个派对

 

>9/10 checking me out

很确定有一个女生很在意我

 

>dance with her

邀请她和我跳舞

 

>stare in eyes

四目相对

 

>shes got moon earrings

发现她带了月亮形状的耳坠

 

>FUCK JUST REMEMBERED

靠！差点忘了！

 

>run out of party

夺门而出

 

>drive home

开车回家

 

>spend whole night checking out lunar eclipse

看了整晚的月食

 

>no regrets

呵，女人算什么。我一点也不后悔。

 

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5.

 

Sitting at home, alone in the house, i feel actually kind of peaceful, typing this up. I have already accepted my fate. I was diagnosed with cancer a week ago, and the doctors gave me 2 months to live, and right now i just really want to share the story of how i got cancer. So here it is.

独自一人在家，我开始慢慢整理思绪。我认命了。一周前，我被诊断出癌症。医生说我只有两个月可以活了。但现在，我只想跟你们分享我的故事。

 

First, a bit of backstory.

首先，我得告诉你们一些背景。

 

>Be me, 14 years old

这故事发生在我14岁的时候

 

>Freshman year

当时我读高一

 

>On second day of school, make a friend who we will call Mike

开学第二天，我交了个叫mike的朋友

 

>Mike was a few years older than me

Mike比我大几岁

 

>Get really close with mike

和他相处的很好

 

>At the time, kissless virgin

当时，我是个初吻都没的处男

 

>Terrified with girls

并且我有女孩恐惧症

 

>Desparate for a girlfriend

但我很想要个女朋友

 

>Mike tells me that it’s easy to talk to girls

Mike说和女孩聊天很简单

 

>Just don’t be nervous and talk to one

只要你大大方方，不要羞涩

 

>I’ve always been too nervous to even approach a girl

但我紧张到不敢靠近任何女孩

 

>One day, he literally pushes me in front of a girl i like

有一天，Mike直接把我推到了我喜欢的女孩面前

 

>”Hey this is anon.”

并对那个女孩说：“嗨，这是我朋友小明。”

 

>Walks away

他走了

 

>I panic, and she kind of giggles

我很慌张，但女孩只是笑笑

 

>We end up talking

我们聊起来了

 

>Shes actually kind of nice

她是个不错的人

 

>Me and female become friends.

我和她成为了朋友

 

Fastforward 2 years later

时间来到两年后

 

>Me and female end up dating

我和她成为了情侣

 

>Dating for a year and a half

足足有1年半之久

 

>We become know as the Lily and Marshal of my highschool

我们成为了Lily和Marshal的翻版

（译注：Lily和Marshal是美国某电视剧里一对一见钟情的情侣）

 

>We do everything together

我们形影不离

 

>Mike is having a party at his house

Mike在他家举办了一个派对

 

>Me and female go

我和她一起去了

 

>I have a few drinks, but gf has a lot more than i do

我喝了几杯酒，但是我女友喝的比我多得多

 

>She gets some cigaretts and starts smoking with some guy

她拿出了几支香烟，并和“隔壁老王”一起吸

 

>Drunkenly tries to make me smoke too

她还让我一起吸

 

>i try it, but have a coughing fit and don’t do it again

我试了一下，但是咳嗽不止，就没继续吸下去了

 

>She starts to get annoyed that i won’t smoke with her

她对我的不配合表示很生气

 

>”Whatever” she says and walks off visually frustrated

“玩蛋去吧”，她生气地留下了这句话后就离开了。

 

>Kept partying with Mike and make a few new friends.

我和Mike继续欢天酒地，还交了几个新朋友。

 

>Later, i can’t find gf

但是我找不到我的女朋友了

 

>starts asking around for her

我开始到处打听她在哪儿

 

>One girl says she saw her go upstairs with smoker guy

一个人说她看见我女友和隔壁老王一起上楼了

 

Ohfuckno

我操。

 

>Mike sees me run upstairs and follows me

Mike看见我跑上楼，也跟了上来

 

>Open a bedroom door and see her with her top off, making out with smokerfag

我打开了房门，看见女朋友正光着上身和隔壁老王共度春宵

 

>I’m stunned. Speechless

我愣住了。

 

>Mike grabs guy and throws him off the bed

Mike一把抓住了老王并把它扔下了床

 

>Female starts crying and saying sorry

她边哭边道歉

 

>Runs over and hugs me

她冲过来抱住了我

 

>Few days later, feel an urge to smoke

几天后，我突然想吸烟

 

>Decide “what’s the harm”

想想说：“就试试，也没什么问题吧”

 

>I end up having one maybe once a week.

这之后，我大概每周吸一次烟

 

>Not 19 yet (legal smoking/drinking age in canada) so i have to bum them off of people

因为我当时还没19岁（枫叶国的合法饮酒/吸烟年龄）所以我必须藏着掖着

 

>turns out female kept on talking and seeing eachother once in a while behind my back

结果后来我发现那个女人时不时背着我和老王幽会

 

Long story short, female dumps me for smokefag

总而言之，她抛弃了我

 

>Start smoking to cope with it

我开始通过吸烟来麻痹自己

 

>I was in love with female, and i still am

时至今日，我仍深深地爱着她。

 

>I dont know how to deal this. She was my everything

我不知道如何面对我的情绪。对我来说，她就是我的全部

 

>i get super depressed

我很抑郁

 

>cry almost every night for 6 months

我几乎每晚都会偷偷落泪。这样的生活一共持续了6个月

 

>contemplate suicide

我开始考虑自杀

 

>decide i dont want to live without female

没有她的人生简直毫无意义

 

>decide to get super drunk and give myself alcohol poisoning. Just kind of, fade away peacefully

我决定通过饮酒过量来自杀，让身体里过量的酒精来慢慢结束这痛苦的一切。

 

>ive always told mike everything, but i didnt tell him how hurt i was by female.

我对Mike一直无话不谈，但是他不知道我多么伤心。

 

>tell him i want to drink

跟Mike说我想喝酒

 

>mike lives alone now, so we do it at his house

他现在单独住了，所以我去了他家喝酒

 

>get super drunk. I cant really remember any of what happened that night

我喝了个烂醉，甚至都不记得那天晚上发生了什么

 

>apparently i passed out and he turned me on my side so i wouldnt choke on my own vomit

显然，Mike在我昏厥后悉心照料我。为了避免我因呕吐物窒息，他还将我侧过来放

 

>wake up and see him sitting in a chair

醒来后，我看见Mike坐在椅子上

 

>start crying uncontrollably

我开始痛哭流涕

 

>tell mike what i tried to do

并告诉了他我都尝试干了些什么

 

Mike really helped me deal with all the pain, but my smoking habbit stayed

Mike在感情问题上帮了我很多，但是我没能戒掉烟瘾

 

>be me

还是我

 

>2 weeks ago

2周前

 

>lungs feel strange. Sharp pains when i take deep breaths

我有些不舒服。深呼吸时，肺部就会刺痛

 

>go to doctor to get it checked out

我去了医院，想看看怎么回事

 

>take some tests

做了一些测试

 

>few days later, i get a call from doctor

几天后，医生给我打电话了

 

>nervous as fuck

我很紧张

 

>turns out im completely fine

测试结果显示我一切正常

 

>suicide attempted as a month ago

尝试自杀是一个月之前的事了

 

>still a little depressed, but not suicidal anymore

虽然我还有点抑郁，但是已经不会考虑自杀了

 

>mike calls or texts me everyday to make sure i’m ok

Mike每天都会打电话或发短信来确认我平安无事

 

>one day, mike texts me a link of funny picture to try and cheer me up

有一天，Mike为了逗我笑，给我发了一个搞笑图片的连接

 

>its a link to a picture on 9gag

那是一个9gag网站上的图片

（译注：9gag是美国某著名网站，但因抄袭其他网站而臭名昭著）

 

>9gag opens

我点开了链接，9gag的网页跳了出来

 

>get cancer

那剽窃的垃圾内容让我瞬间患上了癌症。

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